I hate writing about sad things. I hate using this space to complain about my life and my problems. Misery may love company, but that bitch ain’t interesting.
But then, what do I write about?
That’s kind of the funny thing about depression: You just can’t do anything except for be depressed.
And I’ve heard all of the advice:
“You just need to get up and do things!”
“Just think of how happy you’ll be when you’re done!”
“If you just smile, eventually you will actually feel happy!”
That last one is my favorite. It’s quite possibly the most neurotypical piece of advice I’ve even been given. “Smiling cures depression.” Really? Really? Are you sure about that? Because when I force a smile while I’m depressed, it just makes me feel worse, like my being unhappy is invalid.
But maybe that’s just me.
Where was I going with this? Oh, right. I hate posting about being miserable, but my misery keeps me from doing anything worth posting about. So, I just look forlornly at my blog and get more depressed that I’m not posting anything.
Which is why I make lists.
Let me tell you something about lists. Lists are fantastic. Lists are like the little light at the end of the tunnel that urges me to keep going. Lists point me in a direction and say, “Go.”
And maybe sometimes I go a little bit, walking towards that light–the completion of that list–and maybe sometimes I don’t. Maybe sometimes I write the list, look at the light, and then never do a damn thing.
But that’s okay. That’s enough. Just knowing the light is there–that my goal is attainable and I have an actual, tangible, relevant plan to get to it–can be the difference between getting out of bed to have a sandwich and spending another eighteen hours eating Cheetos and napping between Netflix episodes.
That sandwich, even if it’s not my goal–even if it’s not on my list at all–is a monumental victory of epic proportions, sometimes. And that victory–that fact that I ate actual food instead of food-like-products–can be the fuel that actually gets me working on my list, actually gets me moving towards my goal.
I did my laundry after work, yesterday. That was huge. I’m good.
I am good.