Diary: I still don’t know what I’m doing.

Bridge Santee tagged
Unwatermarked version available as a print here.

I turn twenty-nine on Saturday, which at the time this ends up being posted will be tomorrow.

It’s strange. All through my adolescence, people kept telling me about all of these things I would do when I “grow up.” Get a job, own a home, start a family. I’m twenty-nine and you know… I’m starting to feel bamboozled.

I know it’s possible to have those things at my age. I have friends/acquaintances who are my age–who were in my graduating class!–who have those things. Granted, I don’t know many of them, but I don’t know many people, period. So, I know it’s possible.

I’m just still not sure quite… how to go about it. Almost every job I’ve ever had has been because I knew someone who would put in a good word for me. Since losing my office job, I don’t really know how to get a job myself. There are staffing agencies, but… I’m not sure I really want another office job.

I’ve been in one long-term relationship in my whole life, which lasted eight years and some change. And I’m still not completely out of that relationship (hello, baggage; so attractive in a partner). Even if I were, I don’t know how to date or even meet people for dating that doesn’t involve sex. Is there a dating app for celibates? Is that a thing?

(Note: Apparently, there are sites for asexual/celibate dating and they are as clinical and out-of-date as you might expect.)

(Another note: I will post about what’s going on with my relationship status nightmare situation when I figure out what the frickle-frackle is going on with it.)

On Tuesday I went to my counselor (to clear up some confusion: my counselor is a spiritual counselor, not a psychologist) and for the first time got very little in the way of clarity. Even the Universe doesn’t want to touch the clusterfuck that is my life, right now.

I mean, I spent my entire teenage years waiting to do the adulthood thing, and not that I’m an adult… I have no idea how to go about it! What kind of rip off is that?!

On the bright side, from what I hear, that’s pretty common. Apparently there aren’t a whole lot of adults who actually feel like they’re adults or know what they’re doing.

So, maybe I’m right on track.

I love you all.



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