Diary: Yesterday I Started School and Broke a Therapist

So, yesterday was my first day of on campus classes. Apparently, this is the semester of social interaction. The two classes I’m taking this semester are English (Critical Thinking & Intermediate Composition) and Communications (Interpersonal Communication).

Now, of course, I expected there would be some social interaction in the communications course. I mean, it’s communications. Communicating is literally the whole point. I’m not happy about it, but it’s a GE requirement. Unlike other classes, I think communications is a good GE requirement because no matter what you major in, you probably need to communicate with others.

What I didn’t expect was how socially heavy my English class would be. It’s critical thinking, so I figured participation would be heavily required (isn’t it for everything), but our teacher basically said that we’d be doing some kind of group activity weekly, if not daily. I’m not sure how I feel about that, but, again, this is a required class, so I’m kind of stuck. Yesterday, she had us do this cheesy “ice breaking” exercise, where we got into groups of 5-6 and each wrote a fact about ourselves. I figured this was going to be a share among your group thing… no. It was a game where the rest of the class matches up your fact to someone in your group.

I wish I had known that before I decided to use having anxiety. Admitting it to a small group of people who I can explain my situation to is fine; having thirty strangers making assumptions about me based on my confession of mental illness, not so much. Really glad I didn’t mention having depression, too (which I almost did).

So, I’m not super thrilled and her little game had the opposite intended effect on me; she wants us to get comfortable opening up, but I feel like now I need to be a little more guarded in the future to ensure I’m not tricked into sharing things with more people than I’m actually comfortable with.

But, you’re probably wondering about that broken therapist part, huh? Yea, I thought so.

So, my ex (Pup) and I have a weird sort of relationship. We’re crazy incompatible, but we love each other, but we fight constantly (usually about politics), but we hate not being together. It’s one of those, “I hate your guts, but I’d fucking die for you” situations, really.

I bugged Pup for years to go to therapy, after we hit a particularly bad spot in our relationship. He never did. After our Super Big Mega Argument back in May, he suggested we go to couples counseling (mind you, this was a year after we broke up). I was kind of baffled, because that’s something you do when you’re actually… you know… a couple, but I still had hope we could get back together, so I agreed.

And waited months for him to make the appointment. That was his idea. A couple weeks ago, I was thinking about how, after three months, he still hadn’t made the appointment and thought maybe it was a sign we really shouldn’t get back together. Then, like he’d sensed this in me, he made the appointment, which we had yesterday.

I’m not going to get into the details of what happened, but it all ended up coming around to our political differences. We got in an argument about it right there on the couch. The therapist was listening to us with this just wide-eyed, “Oh, my God, what is even happening” expression. At the end of the session she just kind of looked at us with this defeated look on her face and said, “I’m sorry. I just don’t know how I can help you.”

Like, really? You went to school for at least four years. This is your job. We paid you actual cash money for this. And we are so beyond help you wouldn’t even know what to do or where to start?

I’m almost impressed by our dysfunction.

Anyway, after that, I decided that it really is best that we try to just stay friends, rather than hold out hope of getting back together. I know he’s disappointed, but sitting there in a room arguing about free speech in front of a stranger just kind of made me realize that I can’t be with someone who says someone should have the right to say they want me and my friends dead, even if he thinks they’re wrong. We might hang out later today, if I get the five assignments I have due on Thursday done early enough. I’m two down, so we’ll see.

But, yea. That happened.

And all on two hours of sleep, too.

Fun times.

I love you all.

12 thoughts on “Diary: Yesterday I Started School and Broke a Therapist

  1. I once made a therapist scream, “What do you want from me?!” I also got one so flustered that he had to pull out a big notepad and draw a flow chart to express his feelings. I am unreasonably proud of both incidents.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Urgh. It doesn’t sound like an amazing recipe for a long term commitment. I guess at least the therapist helped you notice that!?

    Also “someone should have the right to say they want me and my friends dead” = Eep! I guess they have the right to say that BUT they don’t have the right to be protected from consequences of saying that kind of horrible thing. They can choose to say it, and then be jailed for incitement to hatred.

    Liked by 1 person

    • No, it wasn’t a good recipe at all. I’ve known for a few years that we weren’t compatible for a long-term relationship, but he always insisted we could make it work and love makes us do stupid things.

      It’s interesting that those conversations don’t bother me when I stop looking at him as my potential husband and just look at him as a friend I disagree with. Like, okay, you think hate speech should be protected under free speech. You’re wrong, but whatever. But, it’s like, you want me to be your spouse, but you wouldn’t beat the shit out of someone who said I should be dead just because of who I am? If someone had ever told me, “All straight white men should be lynched,” I would beat the unholy hell out of them, because that’s my boyfriend they’re talking about. My spouse’s life outranks everything. This is a man who once said he would kill to protect me, but thinks I’m awful for wanting to punch nazis in the face to protect my friends. Yea, sure, okay.

      He just doesn’t believe that words can be “violent.” “They’re just words.” Which makes sense, because he and words have never gotten along very well, so he really doesn’t understand the power they hold.

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      • I think you are more patient than I could be. I would find it hard not to argue all the time with someone who thinks it’s okay for people to say I should be dead just because of who I am.

        BUT…maybe one day you’ll get through to him and he’ll be able to see from your point of view.

        Like

      • In his defense he never said it was ok that they say those things. He still thinks they’re morally reprehensible. But he believes their right to do so should be protected because ~censorship~. My argument is that if you conspire to commit murder, that’s a crime and you’ll go to jail. So why is it not the same for conspiracy to commit genocide?

        Liked by 1 person

      • It sounds like he is almost on board. People already have the right to say what they like, they just don’t have the right for no-one to react to it.

        What kind of protection does he think they should have? Protection from losing their jobs? Or does he think they should be allowed a safe space to spout their hatred?

        I find it quite interesting how people misinterpret the idea of free speech.

        Liked by 1 person

      • From what I’ve been able to understand of his arguments, they should be allowed to have their rallies and “protests.” He also believes there is blame on both sides and he is very much against physical violence in any form, from either side. Edit to add: Also, he effing hates Antifa and thinks they’re as fascist as the nazis.

        What he doesn’t get is that this is literally a war. People are literally dying for this. A white supremacist drove his car into a crowd of people and killed a woman. How are we supposed to respond to that? Hold hands and sing Kumbaya?

        Liked by 1 person

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