Diary: Personal Collage Project (aka nightmare personal exposé presentation)

On Tuesday, I presented my “Personal Collage Project” for my communications class. It went as well as could be expected. I got the full fifty points, so I guess I nailed it. My voice shook a lot from nerves, but I think everyone thought I was just emotional because of some of the subject matter. Whatever, I’ll take it.

I was considering posting my speech here for everyone to read, but, ah, funny thing…

I can’t actually remember what I said.

Everyone else that went kind of went up there and winged it (or had memorized what they planned to say). I was really the only person that had an actual script to go off of, and it felt really stiff and uncomfortable, so I derailed myself pretty early on.

Like, I know what I talked about: my gender identity and subsequent name change, the childhood abuse from my older brother and the subsequent depression and anxiety, and a couple of my hobbies (baking and photography) that I use to help deal with that depression and anxiety. So, the topics were still on point. But, I might as well have been up there sputtering out, “Yea, yep, mhm…” for all I can remember about the actual words out of my mouth.

I mean, I assume I didn’t, because like I said: full credit.

I also brought in cookies which everyone who tried them complimented me on. That was nice, and also a pleasant distraction from the anxiety of public speaking. Like, okay, maybe I made a fool of myself (I’ll never know), but if I did I at least redeemed myself with the cookies. That was the whole point of them, so… victory!

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I kind of wish I had added a little more to it. Maybe cut out my little opening spiel and added something about people in my life. But, that’s kind of tough for me because I’ve really pushed away most of the people in my life. And the one person that I am still close to I really probably shouldn’t be. I mean, I guess I could have talked about my mom, but I only had eight minutes. She would take more than eight minutes to explain.

Ultimately, I guess I liked the project objectively. I liked composing it and I liked kind of digging in deep and getting introspective. I didn’t really like the act of presenting it, but I would publish a paper for people to read about it. Or do a PowerPoint. A lot more people did PowerPoints than I expected.

I was planning on dismantling the bracelet I made and putting some of the charms on my regular charm bracelet (which I really should wear more often), but I honestly can’t bring myself to. I’m strangely attached to it, even though it represents some of the most traumatic shit in my life. So, I ordered duplicates of a couple of the charms to put on my regular bracelet. Maybe I’ll put this one in a little display box.

Maybe one of these days I’ll go over my regular charm bracelet and mention what everything on there represents/means to me. That might be fun.

I love you all.

4 comments

  1. You’re not alone in the way you feel. I just finished a book called I Forgot to Die by Khalil Rafati. I originally bought it for work purposes but actually gained a little perspective from it. You should check it out if you get a chance, it’s available on Amazon and on Kindle

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks. It really surprised me that a lot of the people who’ve gone so far have also been through some pretty traumatic stuff. Like, I really thought I’d be the only person going up there like, “Man, this is dark,” but it actually really made me feel… IDK, normal, I guess? And I figured the cookies would help ease my nerves. I figured if everyone was focused on eating, they wouldn’t be paying attention to me talking lol!

      And thanks! It was really tough to put together, trying to find charms that represented what I wanted to talk about!

      Liked by 1 person

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