Diary: Tonight

Tonight is a night of anxious energy. That feeling of too much and not enough all at once wraps around me. I can feel it coil all the way down my spine, from the base of my head down to the tip of my tail bone.

I feel overwhelmed by the everything I need to do. Homework, bills, my life.

Life. Life is hard.

It always bothers my ex when I say that. Life is hard. Being an adult is hard. “Yea,” he tells me. “But it has to be done. But it’s worth it.”

He misses the point every time. I’m not saying that life shouldn’t be hard, sometimes. You never grow if you never face challenges. Stagnation is death and death is boring. Probably. I don’t have any first-hand experience. And I’m not saying life isn’t worth that struggle (although, sometimes the depression lies and tells me so; but I learned a long time ago not to listen to that motherfucker).

It’s stating a fact. Water is wet. The sky is blue. Life is hard. Adulthood is hard. I am tired.

That’s what I’m saying. I am tired. It all feels like too much and just the thought of it runs me down.

Tonight is a night of too much and running down and I blame the news (and I blame the world for the news and sometimes I blame the news for the world, in a vicious circle of Bad Shit™). Tonight is a night of whys and why nots and hows and when is it going to just stop.

Tonight is a night to run a bath, put in a good movie, and write some lists.

One step at a time, back to peace.

I love you all.

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