You know what’s super annoying? When someone finds out that I’m kinky and immediately thinks I want to have sex with them. News flash: I really, really don’t. I really almost never want to have sex with anyone.
Kink and kinksters get a bad rep. Now, I won’t say that the BDSM community doesn’t have some serious problems with predators and abusers, but you know what? So do vanilla communities.
Even stepping away from the “kinky people are all rapists!” mentality, vanilla people tend to assume that kinky people are sexual deviants who like to find all sorts of weird ways to stick this into that to make an orgasm. And, witches, that couldn’t be further from the truth (for me, at least; for most of the kinksters I’ve met and talked to in my life). In fact, I’ve never had an orgasm as a direct result to kinky/BDSM play in my life.
Because, here’s the thing: For me, kink and BDSM isn’t about sexual gratification.
It’s about emotional gratification.
Witches, let me share something with you: I love sensation play. Touch me, oh God, touch me (just don’t tickle me, because I might elbow you in the groin). There are certain areas of my body—joints, in particular, like the insides of my elbows or the backs of my knees—that just send a shiver down my spine when someone touches them. The feeling of another person’s hands on my skin makes me feel relaxed and connected and a little vulnerable, and I could lie there for hours just getting lightly touched, no orgasm required
Even for someone who may be touch-averse, as I can be at times (seriously, sometimes if I have to deal with skin-to-skin contact you may as well set me on fire because ugh), it doesn’t always necessarily have to be skin-to-skin. Toys are fun, too. There are, of course, the classics like the feather or massage stones, or someone could get creative; I’ve seen clean paintbrushes used and I have a set of claw rings which are perfect for sensation play.
Impact play is (for me, at least) an offshoot of sensation play. I won’t do any impact play unless sensation play will immediately follow, so it’s not really its own thing, for me (for other people, yes, absolutely its own thing). Spanking tends to make skin a bit more sensitive, which just makes sensation play that much more intense. I’m not a masochist, so I’m not a fan of the pain of spanking as much, but it’s usually worth it for the end result.
I also enjoy the dynamics of power exchange (also known as Dominance/submission). Due to… events… which have occurred in my life, I’m less enamored with submission, these days. Submitting just isn’t something I’m interested in right now (at least not with anyone I have available who I could do this sort of thing with), but I am interested in Domme-ing. I’m really into that, right now.
For me, power play is less about making someone do something (or being made to do something) and more about having someone place their complete trust in you to push them to their limit, but not push them over (or, of course, putting that trust in someone). It’s a delicate and fine line to walk. Sadly, I’ve found not enough people do it well (part of why I’ve been less interested in it, lately).
None of these things are, to me, inherently sexual. They can certainly lead to sexual activities (or be included in sexual activities) with the right person, but they aren’t by their means nor ends sexual activities in and of themselves. The feelings they elicit certainly aren’t sexual and I’m sure if you asked someone on the street what they would think if they saw someone gently stroking their partner’s inner arm, the first thing they thought would not be, “Look at those sexual deviants, doing that in public!”
So, please, do not assume I’m a freak in bed just because I’m kinky. I promise, you will be sorely disappointed.