Sorry, witches. This one’s kind of gloomy. Heed the content warning. Emotions behind the cut.
I’m in such a scarybad place, right now. I don’t know what’s up with me, but I have zero motivation to do anything. Including bathe. I’ve been sleeping/napping a lot. I’m not really sure what I’m doing or where I’m going, and I’m painfully overwhelmed by the sheer number of paths in front of me.
Being on social media is starting to give me anxiety, so I check Instagram and Twitter, maybe “like” a few things, but can’t bring myself to post anything. Not sure what I’d post even if I wanted to.
Depression is a monster. I can’t do anything. It all seems so pointless. That little monster in my head won’t shut up and it’s winning.
“You’re never going to finish that book. You can barely even start it.”
“Even if you do, no one’s going to want to read it. You don’t even like rereading it.”
“You don’t have anything interesting to say.”
“You’re boring. And mean. And people don’t like you.”
“Stop trying. Just go back to sleep. Sleep is easier.”
I swear, I think depression feeds on sleep.
No, seriously, hear me out.
Depression gets stronger when I don’t do or accomplish things. And it’s pretty tough to accomplish things when I’m sleeping 12-14 hours every day. So, I wake up, drag around and tell myself (or my depression tells me), “I’ll do that thing later.” Then I take a nap, wake up again, and I’m too groggy to do the thing (because napping during the day can actually make you more tired). The thing doesn’t get done, I’ve wasted a whole day, and I feel guilty. So, to avoid having to deal with the guilt and disappointment, I go to sleep and the circle continues.
And I know the only way to break the circle is to just keep doing things, but I feel like I’m fighting an uphill battle, here. The things never end. The need to do things to fight off the depression never ends.
Eventually, I have to stop doing things. Resting is still important, or I run out of things to do. If I stop when I still have things to do, I feel like I’m lazy and slacking off, which makes me depressed and not want to do the things. If I stop because I’m out of things to do I either get a false sense of completion that blows up in my face when I don’t maintain those things, or I look around blankly and wonder, “Now what?” while feeling a complete lack of purpose in my life.
I wish I could hit that middle ground. That, “I did three things today, and I’ll do three things tomorrow, and when I run out of things, I will read/write/watch TV until a new thing arises and then I will do each new thing as they come up because that’s how you function.”
Instead, I’m stuck in these weird extremes where it’s like, “DO EVERYTHING. DO NOTHING.”
And I kind of just want to burn my entire life to the ground and start again.
I wish that I had some hopeful, positive things to end this on. Some, “I know this is temporary and I will get past it and come out stronger,” optimism. But, a lot of these “things” I need to do are things that will affect the direction my life goes, will affect my future. So, it’s not really temporary in that sense and, honestly, that scares the shit out of me.
I love you all.