Excuse me for a moment while I rant.
Whenever someone finds out I have depression, suddenly it’s like they become a medical expert.
- “You should try meditation!”
- “You just need more sunshine!”
- “You’ll feel better if you stop eating so much sugar!”
And first of all, fuck you, I will not eat less sugar. Sugar (aka chocolate) is, like, the one thing that makes me happy and I will not let you take it away from me, dammit!
Second, those things may be helpful for mild cases of depression, or when someone is just having a bad day. But, chronic depression isn’t going to be fixed with some deep breathing and “happy thoughts.” They can help temporarily, but no one can spend all day every day exercising or journaling or eating cucumber and watercress salads.
Telling someone with depression to “think positively” is like telling someone with a broken leg to “walk it off.”
Stop. Just. Stop.
Unless the person doing the advising is a licensed psychologist, they need to not presume to know my disorder better than I do. These obnoxious idjits need to stop assuming that I’m just sad because I’m too lazy to go for a walk on the beach. These people don’t know anything about anything because if they did they’d know to keep their fool mouths shut.
I do yoga, on occasion. It’s fun, but it’s not a miracle cure for mental illness. When I’m done, my brain is still there. Screaming.
Speaking of depression, last week was tough, for me.
I didn’t get to see Pup again this week and I’m lonely. Lonely is always a problem for me. I know that I have people that I can talk to which will help ease the loneliness, but the problem is that I always feel like such a burden, or a nuisance. Everyone has their own lives going on; they don’t have time for me.
I know, that’s such a self-defeating attitude. I really need to work on that whole anxiety and self-esteem thing. I need to remind myself that I’m worth at least ten minutes of someone’s time.
On top of that, my sleep schedule is a mess, right now. Currently, I’m sleeping from about 7:00am to 4:00pm and that is really not a good thing. Not only will it be a serious pain when school starts back up at the end of the month, but it’s impossible to get anything done. After a certain point in the evening, certain big projects or chores (like doing my laundry or moving furniture to organize my room) aren’t feasible. The laundry room is closed and I don’t want to make too much noise.
So, I’m left with a lot of quiet time (because it’s the middle of the night) and not a lot to do to distract myself. This inevitably leads to some not-so-good thoughts. TV helps. And it’s January, so I’ve been doing a lot of planner set-up for the new year. But, still. My brain just never lets me chill.
But, Pup and I are going to Disneyland on Tuesday (assuming I can get my sleep schedule semi-corrected). That will give me both social interaction and an activity with which to distract myself. And, hopefully, it will be a big step to improving my sleep schedule, so maybe I can get some laundry done before I run out of undies. *fingers crossed*
Then, next Tuesday, I have an appointment with my spiritual counselor. That always makes me feel better.
Things are tough, but they’ll pick up. They always do.
I love you all.
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