By the time this posts, I will be on my way to my first day of classes for the Spring semester. Witches, I have never been looking forward to a semester more. Bring on the distractions!
Last week, I explained to Pup that I don’t think we’re going to be getting back together. I asked for my key back (which, honestly, he wasn’t supposed to keep, anyway) and told him I didn’t think it was a good idea that he stay the night, anymore (even though we don’t have sex, I just think that needed to end). He seemed pretty depressed about it, so I’ve been trying to give him some space to sort through things.
Unsurprisingly, this has totally stressed me out. I feel incredibly guilty for making him feel bad. I keep thinking, Oh, I should have put up more boundaries sooner. I led him on. I should have just told him ‘no’ when he asked if we might get back together instead of saying I don’t know…
I know I shouldn’t feel guilty. I told him repeatedly that I didn’t know what I wanted, that I wasn’t sure whether I would or wouldn’t want to get back together in the future. I told him repeatedly, “Don’t wait for me. I’m going to date other people.” I told him that I didn’t want to keep him from finding a relationship that would work for him and that he would be happy in, even if it wasn’t with me. Every “I don’t know” I gave him was 100% honesty. He told me he was fine with what we had, even if we weren’t together.
I should have known better. I shouldn’t have thought that we could be friends like I’m normally friends with people; physical and affectionate and bordering on “too close.” I should have known that maintaining that level of friendship with someone I’d been romantically attached to wasn’t a good idea. I own that. Hindsight is 20/20.
Maybe I was afraid to let go, completely. Maybe I was afraid of being alone and never finding anyone else. But, in the last couple months, I’ve realized that I don’t need anyone else. I can be alone. I can be okay by myself.
I’ve been wanting to put these boundaries up and put distance between us for months, but I didn’t know how to say so. I didn’t know how to say so last week, either, so I just kind of blurted it out without much tact.
These things are never easy. Especially when our post-breakup-relationship has been complicated in its own right.
Anyway, yea, stress like you wouldn’t imagine. Every tiny thing sets me off, right now. It’s a mess. I’m a mess.
I fucked up my hair on Friday. Normally, this wouldn’t be a big deal. But, on top of the stress of Pup, plus school coming up, plus being financially indebted to an ex who I just really hurt… it felt like a huge deal.
Herein lies the problem: Normally, I would call Pup to rant about it. Obviously, I can’t do that if I’m trying to give him space. But I was really freaking out and I needed to talk to someone.
So, even though we don’t know each other that well, I decided to text Matt to see if he would talk to me for a bit. He called me and let me vent about the mess that is my life (and my hair) for a while. He said from my description my hair probably looks fine (it does; it’s just not what I wanted). We chatted about school coming up.
Talking things out helped distract me, helped calm me down.
The man has the patience of an angel. I’m sure he thinks I’m absolutely insane. But, I’m incredibly grateful that he took time out of his day to chat with me, especially since he’s getting ready to move (or, I guess by the time this posts, he’ll have already moved) and he’s super busy. Seriously. Angel. I put the halo emoji next to his name in my phone, that’s how much of an angel he is.
So, I’m feeling both stressed and blessed, at the moment. It’s a really odd feeling.
Strangely, however, I’m not feeling… depressed about it. Anxious, yes, absolutely (I don’t want to lose Pup as a friend because I’ve known him a decade, nor do I want to scare off Matt as a new friend with my neurotic drama). But, I still feel… okay. Not light, but not heavy.
I’m cautiously hopeful that things will work out, but I’m prepared and know I will be okay if they don’t.
Tomorrow is another day.
I love you all.
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