I’m really glad I started attending church. I’ve met so many nice people–everyone is always coming up and introducing themselves to me. I’ve even made a new friend! A lovely girl I’ll be referring to as “Alex” on this blog (remember, I don’t use people’s real names).
Alex invited me to a “Galentine’s Day” party at her friend’s house on Wednesday, so I’ll be going to that. It’s a sushi and wine thing–I don’t drink and I’m not a huge fan of sushi, but it’s a new experience that will definitely take me out of my comfort zone.
I’m already feeling incredibly anxious about it. I have no idea how many people are going to be there and it’s at someone’s house who I’ve never met before. It’s a social anxiety nightmare.
But, I’m trying to put myself out there, right? I can’t expand my comfort zone if I don’t go outside of it once in a while.
On the complete reverse side, I had a pretty gut-wrenching conversation with Pup on Friday night. For those who aren’t aware, I recently told my ex that I didn’t think we’re ever get back together (we broke up a year and a half ago, but maintained a semi-romantic FWB-type situation up until a few months ago when I just… stopped). We’ve known each other for a decade and I still consider him my best friend, so of course I wanted to be there for him when he said he wanted to talk some stuff out. I’m happy to be a sounding board and clarify things for him so maybe he can find some closure.
Which is what I thought would happen. He’s ask some questions, I’d answer them, and he’s understand where I’m at a little better.
What I got instead was about an hour of him trying to figure out what went wrong and seeming to try to figure out if he could fix it. One of our biggest points of contention–and the only deal-breaker; the sole reason that I don’t think we can work things out–is out different political beliefs. I’m very progressive. He’s a conservative-leaning moderate. We clash. Often in a way that makes me doubt his humanity and want to scream.
For a lot of people, politics isn’t a deal breaker. If they disagree with their partner, they either try to let it go or just not talk about that topic with their partner. And I tried, witches. I tried like hell to just not talk politics with Pup. But, with the current state of affairs, it’s impossible. Especially when I’m so scared all the time. I want to be able to talk about that with my partner without worrying that I’m going to be told my fear is unfounded or I’m being irrational.
So, I told Pup and that politics was the deal breaker. We then proceeded to have some discussions on a few political areas that he thinks are our biggest points of contention (they are not; he was way, way off, but I didn’t want to tell him because I didn’t want to have a conversation about politics–I wanted to have a conversation about our relationship and help him come to terms with the fact that it’s over). As we had this discussion, he brought up points that he agrees with me on xyz or whatever.
Basically, it seemed like a lot of, “See? Our politics aren’t that different. There’s no reason to feel like our politics can’t be worked through.”
Which once again felt like he was saying, “See? Your point of view is exaggerated and you’re overreacting. It’s not as bad as you think.” Dismissing my concern because he just “proved” I was wrong.
He told me, “I know that we don’t agree on everything, but I think that’s something that can be worked through.”
And I finally just kind of internally snapped. I told him in a very firm (but calm) voice, “Look. For you these kind of issues are something you can work through, and that’s great. But I can’t.”
Then he gave me a very defeated, “Oh.” He was obviously really disappointed with the outcome of the conversation. When we got off the phone, he didn’t sound like he felt any better.
Which just made me feel sad and guilty all over again.
I’m trying not to feel guilty, because I know I shouldn’t (I have the right to decide I don’t want to be with someone), but I do care about Pup so, so much. Even though we’re not romantically involved anymore, I hate seeing him hurt. I’m starting to wonder if maybe being around me might be a problem for him finding closure and it would be better if we didn’t hang out anymore, but that opens up a whole new level of guilt, because I know Pup doesn’t really have a lot of people he hangs out with (in fact, I think I’m the only one he actually hangs out with). It’s really easy for me to walk away and cut contact, because I’m starting to branch out and make other friends, but he isn’t doing that/doesn’t have that.
So, between those two things, I’m on this weird sort of anxiety/depression teeter-totter, where I’m not entirely sure how I feel and it changes with a slight breeze.
I’ll get past it, I know. I’m doing so well, overall!
Just a little more.
I love you all.
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