If missing my biology class didn’t count as two absences today (the lecture and the lab), I wouldn’t be leaving the apartment at all. As it stands, I intend to skip the lab. I just don’t feel up to it, today (and not just because I think I’m coming down with a cold).
I wish I was the kind of person who could talk to people. When I write about not knowing what to say, I’ll often get comments in the area of, “Oh, but you say things so well! You’re interesting and engaging!” But, there is a big, big difference between speaking to someone and writing.
I am great at making the words with my fingers and a keyboard. I am awful at making the words with my face.
When I write, I can stop mid-sentence and think about what I want to say and how I want to say it. I can spend an hour writing and revising a 600-word post so it sounds the best it can, so my thoughts are relatively clear and understandable.
I can’t do that when I speak to people. Once I say something, I can’t go back and edit for clarity. It’s out there and its effects are out there, for better or worse. Even if I do clarify what was meant by my initial comment, the feelings evoked when I first spoke are still there.
If I accidentally insult someone, I might be able to wrap a bandage around the wound, but the initial sting still remains. I know this from experience being on both sides.
Normally, I think people would just shrug, apologize for the initial insult/confusion, clarify, and move on to do better.
But, I have crippling anxiety with acute paranoia, so I immediately think whoever I’ve spoken to secretly hates me, now. So, I’ll apologize… and then I’ll apologize again… and then if I don’t hear anything from that person after some time, I think they really hate me.
I hate it when people hate me. Especially if I really enjoy spending time with the person.
And of course, when hanging out with Matt after church yesterday, I stuffed my foot so far into my mouth I stepped on my colon. I clarified what I meant, but he had that look on his face people I know sometimes get right before telling me I’m acting like a bitch. I sent him a text to apologize if I offended him, but haven’t heard back.
Matt is notoriously bad at returning my texts, so I’m not sure if he got it and is ignoring it because he really is pissed off, or if he just hasn’t had the chance to respond. So, I have this knot in my stomach and I just want to stay in bed, wallowing in my humiliation for the next eternity.
Also, sinus congestion is helping exactly nothing. Bleh.
I love you all.
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