Asking Questions is Important; or, I may have spoken too soon.

So, we received our lease agreement to sign today.

Let me tell you a lesson in asking questions when searching for a place to live: Never assume anything is the same anywhere. Don’t think that just because certain things are standard in other places that they will be standard where you’re going.

In every apartment I’ve ever lived in, water and trash have been included in the rent. You pay your own electricity and gas, but trash and water come included. Not this place. That could end up adding another $100+ to our rent, which we sadly cannot afford.

I’ve also never seen an apartment that requires you to declaw your cat. That’s reason enough to reject this place. Morally bankrupt monsters.

I am incredibly disappointed–this place was gorgeous. Nice area. Affordable rent for a two bedroom and two bathroom apartment with central hair and a washer and dryer in the unit. But that’s because they’re also not footing the cost for things other apartments do.

So, we keep looking.

Such is life.

I still love you all.

A little bit about where I’ve been.

I’m sorry I’ve been so lacking in updates. Between the depression and anxiety, and school, and work… my desire to write anything–or even really do anything–has been practically non-existent.

There’s also been another thing going on that’s been adding some stress to my life, that I didn’t want to mention just yet. But…

I’m moving!

Well, my mother and I are moving. Into a new apartment. Where I will have my own bathroom (this is probably meaningless to most of you, but it’s huge for me for reasons I won’t disgust you with). We go to sign the lease on Saturday, barring some kind of catastrophe. *knock on wood*

I’m very excited, and very nervous. Where we’re moving to is a little further from my work and will add a half hour to my (already nightmarish) commute. I’m not looking forward to that. It’s also further from school–same problem.

But no more sharing a one bedroom apartment! My own bathroom! MY CLOSET! YOU GUYS! I will have to post pictures of this closet when we get moved in (around mid/end of April). It’s a to-die-for walk-in.

And the area is really nice. There are sidewalks, which the area we’re currently living in is drastically lacking. (Sidewalks. Seriously.) I think it will be good.

But, also, it’s something I’m going to be dealing with for the next month and a half, so I probably won’t be doing much decorating in my planner because I just don’t have the time. But once I’m settled and organized (*cue angelic music*) and I have space (*angelic music intensifies*) then I want to start, you know, actually using this thing.

I love you all.

A very quick update

warning sign

Trigger Warning: Anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, US politics

I’m running a little late with this week’s planner spread. I’ll have it up either later tonight or tomorrow. School and sanity takes priority. Thank you for your patience.

But, I need to vent a little bit here, so bear with me in the meantime, please.

I’m tired. And frustrated. And angry. And scared. And a lot of other things that a lot of other people, and especially those who live in the United States right now, can probably relate to.

These aren’t good times to have depression and anxiety. A protest is a bad place to have a panic attack and I freeze up talking on the phone, so I mostly sit at home and write emails to my state’s senators thanking them for being from California and not being complete a*holes.

I wish I could do more. There’s a war being fought out there and I feel like I’m not doing enough to help. But I can’t read the news on the way to work anymore because I almost jumped in front of the train the other day and it’s getting difficult to explain my red, puffy eyes to my coworkers when I get in each morning because I’ve “never had allergies this bad before.”

I try to spread information, and I try to donate to places on those rare periods when I get a little extra money in my paycheck, but it doesn’t seem like enough. I’m exhausted from arguing with people who just don’t want to get it. I want to have hope but it’s just so difficult right now.

I feel helpless. Like I can’t help myself and I can’t help anyone else.

I’ve been considering switching my major back to psychology, which would be… a thing. I’d basically be starting my entire education over from scratch because I’m pretty sure I’ve forgotten a lot of what I learned a decade ago when psychology was still my major. I just feel like… with a psychology degree… I could actually help people?

And right now, I feel like the world needs more people who want to help each other. The outpouring of support from lawyers in the wake of Drumph’s “travel ban” (which, let’s be realistic: was a ban on Muslims) has been magnificent and uplifting and is probably one of the few things I’ve been able to hold onto to remind myself that life is still worth living.

I just want to help people.

Again, thanks for your patience with this week’s Plan With Me. I’ll try to get it up tonight.

Stay strong.

I love you all.

signature transparent

Journal Entry from 1/31/17

This is a direct excerpt from my actual hand-written journal I keep. I feel it’s pertinent to my blog and a lot of the more politically charged posts I’ve been making on Facebook and Tumblr.

1/31/17

12:06pm

I’ve been thinking a lot about anonymity online. Where does one draw the line? What is the cutoff between standing up for your rights and others, and keeping yourself safe? Where is the line between safety and cowardice? How far is too far–too anonymous, unnecessarily anonymous–and how do you know? Is it worth the effort if you’re never a target; but how do you know how far “they” will go? When does it go from annoyingly opinionated to dissent?

I don’t want to say that America is on its way to becoming a police state, but… Admittedly, that’s less of a concern for me personally. I highly doubt the government cares what I say to my less than 100 readers, as long as I don’t make threats.

But I have a job. I work for a company with a wide array of customers and people get fired over some of the things I’ve posted (and since deleted) on my Facebook page. That’s more along the lines of where my worry comes in.

Like, I hate nazis. And I can’t believe it, but that’s a controversial statement, these days. And I want that to not be a controversial statement, and I know the only way that’s going to happen is by standing up to people who say it is.

And I want to stand up to those people.

But I also want to be able to pay for school. Or save up for my future. Or not get blacklisted from my industry because there’s a video of Richard Spencer getting decked on my Facebook page.

What am I saying? I don’t know, I’m just kind of rambling aimlessly because I’m afraid of what my country is turning into.

I guess I’m saying maybe I need to back off from the politics, at least where my name and face is involved.

It will probably make me happier, at least.

Happy Mail!

I haven’t been posting much fun, happy stuff lately, I know. I haven’t really been posting much of anything. I’d like to change that! I’m not sure how successful I’ll be since school starts tomorrow and I’m taking three courses (which is more than I’ve taken in almost a decade because school and work are not things I balance well), but I’m gonna try!

What’s happier than happy mail?

Around Halloween time, Nati J. over at Creating Emorelle posted something featuring a cute “Life is a Witch and Then You Fly” notepad that I adored. I commented saying as such and she replied that she’d gotten it the year before, but if I wanted to message her my address she’d send me some sheets. How sweet!

Fast forward to a few weeks ago and I received a thick letter in the mail. She had messaged me saying that she’d sent it out, so I’d been expecting something from her, but nothing quite so big! I wish I’d thought to take pictures of it, but I was too excited–I had to open it right away.

Oh. My. Word. You guys. She sent me so much stuff! Not only did she send me a thick bunch of the witchy notepaper, but she also sent me another bunch of some cute glasses notepaper, and a pocket letter filled with goodies!

Of course, when it arrived, California was in the middle of a huge rainstorm and the lighting to take pictures was awful. So, it took me a while to photograph it.

But I have pictures now and, seriously, my friends, this is amazing.

Continue reading

Good Riddance, 2016. 2017, I’m coming for you.

First of all, oops. I guess my “mini vacation” ended up being a smidge longer than intended. I’d apologize, but I needed the break and I’m not sorry for doing what I needed to do to feel better.

I wish I was feeling better.

I’ve been emotionally all over the place since Carrie Fisher died. For those of you who aren’t aware, I’m a big Star Wars fan. Carrie Fisher was a treasure not only as Princess Leia/General Organa, but as a human being. Her death more than any other this year, I think, has had a profound affect on me.

It’s difficult not to be angry, right now. Let’s ignore, for a moment, the wave of incredible talent that we lost this year. Hundreds of lives have been taken in 2016. Hundreds of black, trans, LGB+ lives were taken in the United States alone. And they were not lost–they were taken.

Going into 2017, I had wanted to remain positive. But, for me, a “positive outlook” isn’t going to get the job done. When I look at things like Brexit and the reality show that has become of the US Presidency, it is impossible to say that 2017 “will be better.” At least, better by default of not being 2016, which seems to be the sentiment I’m seeing lately.

As much as we all need it, there will be no rest and relaxation in 2017. The next year is going to be a fight–and an uphill battle at that–for anyone who is not rich, white, cis, able-bodied, neurotypical, straight, Christian, and male.

0cee6ae0ea5d6201768761543e128676I’m not trying to knock being positive. Please, don’t think I am. We do need to have a positive outlook going forward–the last thing we need right now is to fall into the Pit of Despair. But what I am trying to maintain, and what I’m trying to encourage in others, as we go into 2017 is to not just be positive, but to be strong. Be ready and willing to scream and fight for what we believe in.

Do not complacently go into 2017 thinking, “Wow, I sure am glad 2016 is over so we can get back to normal!” Because “normal” has changed, whether we like it or not. Bad people are taking control–the world feels like an Avengers movie, but Captain America and Iron Man aren’t coming to save us.

We need to save ourselves.

And we need to save each other.

That is the outlook I am heading into the next year with: Save each other.

Have a safe and happy New Year, friends. I love you all.

signature transparent